


I Wish I Was

by ailaikannu



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Blood, Clexa, Clexa Endgame, Drug Abuse, Eating Disorders, F/F, I can be quite graphic, Octaven, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2018-08-13 12:41:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7977109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ailaikannu/pseuds/ailaikannu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A clinic for destructive behaviours. <br/>A sixteen-year-old girl who struggles with self-harm and a seventeen-year-old girl who struggles with drug abuse.<br/>Clarke and Lexa come from two different worlds, two different families, two different realities. Sometimes struggle can bring people together, it can even be a spark for love. A love neither of them expected when they got to Ark Wellness.</p><p>(Mainly Clexa, with a side of possible Octaven).</p><p>TRIGGER WARNING : I can be quite graphic when I talk about this kind of stuff, so beware.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. She Sets The City On Fire

**Author's Note:**

> Again, it's three in the morning and my brain like to give me this kind of ideas.

My mum drives silently, I don’t even look at her. I’ve been crying all morning, but she doesn’t seem to care. I feel numb and I don’t like the idea of spending who knows how long in a clinic. When we get there, my mum parks the car and gets all my bags, while I’m only holding my backpack. I'm not even allowed to keep my phone, or my laptop.

“Can’t we just go home ?” I ask her.

She looks at me and shakes her head. “You need this, Clarke.”

“I don’t need this ! This is bullshit !” I had promised myself I wouldn’t snap anymore. “It’s only going to make everything worse !”

She takes a deep breath. “I thought it was a phase. I thought a few sessions with a therapist would be enough. I thought you’d get over it and stop, eventually. But I was wrong. I was wrong, Clarke. You see, I came home from work one night to find you passed out on the bathroom floor, laying in a puddle of your own blood, with your wrists slit open and a bloody razor still in your hand. I still remember the smell of metal in your hair. I still remember how I thought you were dead.”

I know she’s looking at me, but I can’t face her right now. I remember that night differently.

_It was supposed to be one cut._

_One small cut on my wrist, just to take the edge off and feel better for the night. Mum wasn’t home, I could do whatever I wanted. That’s how I found myself in front of the bathroom mirror, holding the razor up._

_My sleeve was already up to my elbow as my shaky hand drove the razor towards my wrist._

_The usual movement, from left to right. A clean cut, a few droplets of blood falling on the bathroom sink._

_But there was that feeling._

_There was something in my stomach that screamed that it wasn’t enough. My soul needed more, it was hungry for pain and blood. It was like an itch I couldn’t scratch. So I did more. I did more because that’s a kind of feeling you can’t just shrug off. My body urged me to hurt myself. I kept cutting and slashing my skin till everything got fuzzy and I fell to the ground._

I remember the days after that night. My mother kept crying, and I couldn't even look at her. I woke up in an hospital bed, with my arms covered in layers and layers of gauzes. Everything was a bit blurry and it took me quite a long time to remember what had happened. 

I simply nod and we walk towards the entrance of the clinic.

I really thought I was in control.

We talk to the woman at the reception, who gives me a folder with all the information I need and the number of my room. My mum walks with me to my room, helps me with the bags and then leaves, promising she'll call as soon as she can. She doesn't even talk about coming to see me, but I don't really care.

My mum left about one hour ago, saying “you’ll be fine here, they’re going to take care of you”.

Yeah, they’re going to treat me like a crazy person and I’ll be forced to do some stupid shit like group therapy and meditation.

This room is too white for my liking. It’s too bright in here, the lights are almost blinding. The room is small, with a white desk with a plastic chair and a small wardrobe that’s supposed to keep all my stuff.

There’s only two small windows and I don’t even have to try and open them to know that they’re vasistas windows. Anti-suicide, I suppose.

This place is bullshit.  

They just told me to wait in my room till someone comes and gets me.

I don’t know where I’ll be taken, but I honestly couldn’t care less. What bothers me is that they checked all my bags to see if I had anything sharp. They took everything away.

I hate it here.

There’s a knock on the door, followed by someone clearing their voice. “Griffin, I’m here to get you.”

I walk towards the door and open it slowly, finding myself in front of a girl who looks about my age.

“Who are you ?” I ask her, staring at her. She has brown flowy hair, pale skin, green eyes and a sickly thin body.

“I’m Octavia Blake.” She says. Her voice shows no sign of excitement whatsoever. She almost looks lifeless. Her eyes are… Empty. “They asked me to show you around.”

I nod, happy that we share the same enthusiasm. She nods her head towards the hallway and I follow behind her. “Are you a patient as well ?”

She nods slightly. “But forget that word, they don’t want you to say that we’re patients, we’re _guests_.”

Venom sips through her voice. “I see.”

“Every hallway has five bedrooms.” She says. “There are I think five hallways, maybe six. I’m not sure.”

We walk in what looks like a common room. “This is the tv room, I wouldn’t recommend coming here, though… The tv has like four channels and we’re only allowed to watch boring shit that won’t trigger anything in our shit brains.”

“Sounds fair.” I comment.

Octavia just keeps walking, sometimes nodding at people we pass by. “This is the cafeteria, breakfast is from like 6.30 to 10.30, lunch from 12 to 14 and dinner from 19 to 21.”

“How’s the food ?”

She shrugs. “I wouldn’t know.”

The tone of her voice doesn’t leave space for any more questions on this subject, but I reckon I know why she’s here. She shows me the small gym, the yoga and meditation area, the art room, the music room, the group therapy rooms and the huge yard that is behind the clinic.

“I don’t know which doctor is working with you, so I can’t really tell you where you can find them.” She says, as we’re walking in the garden.

“I think his name’s doctor Kane.”

“Good luck with that, I hate that guy.” She scoffs. “His office is on the second floor, first room on the right.”

“Thanks for the tour.” I tell her, she just shrugs.

“I’ll see you around.” She says. “Oh, don’t forget that being here it’s like being in prison. You don’t ask the others why they’re here.”

And with that, she’s gone. I’m alone again.

Since I don’t really know what to do, I sit on a bench and enjoy the cool breeze.

As I look around, I realize that all the guests look as if they had lost their soul. There’s no light in their eyes. There’s no joy in their faces. There’s a weird slowness to their movements. They’re all so young, but there’s no energy in this place. It’s almost as if they were all ghosts walking around, painting fake smiles on their faces, talking with no excitement whatsoever, breathing just because they have to.

It feels empty.

Do I look like that ? Have my eyes lost their brightness too ? Is my skin that pale ? Do I look hopeless ? Do I look like I’ve lost my soul ?

We’re all shells of what we used to be.

I wish I was someone better. I wish I was sane. I wish I was free. I wish I happy. I wish I was the Clarke I used to be.

 

 


	2. In My Head

Octavia is sitting with a girl during dinner. They don’t talk, Octavia just stares in front of her, the plate of food is full, and she just casually sips water every now and then. Her friend looks unfazed as she slowly eats what she has in her own plate. She looks bored, more than anything.

Sometimes I see a woman in scrubs walking towards Octavia and telling her something. She shrugs it off and keeps staring at the void.

I decide to look around and notice that most people are either behaving like Octavia or like her friend. There are just a few people who seem genuinely happy, or at least, alive. Some people talk, others don’t even react to words. There are a few groups, but most people are either in pairs or eating alone.

By the end of dinner time, Octavia’s plate is still full, but at least she’s talking to the girl sitting in front of her. They seem to be close, and he girl who looked bored before is now laughing at something Octavia said.

Maybe she still has her soul.

For a moment, just a moment, I forget where we are. I look at them laughing and imagine I'm back at my High School cafeteria, where everything was fine. Where I didn't feel like a prisoner. Where nothing mattered because people around me pretendended not to see me.

It’s the first night I spend here at Ark Wellness. I’ve been staring at the ceiling for what feels like an eternity, but sleep won’t come. I am finally wearing a short sleeved shirt, of course I can’t do that in public. My arms are covered in white scars, old cuts and fresh ones, still scabbing over. I pick at the scabs a little, finding it a bit comforting. One of the newest and deepest cuts starts bleeding when I pull at the skin around it, and I feel like I’m breathing again.

With my eyes closed, I touch the small droplets of blood. It's a feeling I know pretty well. The warmth of my blood is comforting.

I was allowed to take an iPod with me and I feel grateful for that.

I’m listening to 21 Pilots’ Car Radio, a song that makes me feel things.

****_I ponder of something great, my lungs will fill and then deflate. They fill with fire, exhale desire. I know it's dire, my time today.  
I have these thoughts, so often I ought to replace that slot with what I once bought... 'Cause somebody stole my car radio, and now I just sit in silence.  
Sometimes quiet is violent, I find it hard to hide it. My pride is no longer inside, it's on my sleeve. My skin will scream, reminding me of who I killed inside my dream._

The bed is uncomfortable and I wish I was back home.

It’s hard to fall asleep, but it’s even harder when the person in the room next to yours keeps moving and mumbling some incoherent stuff. Of course I had to be next a loud one.

The usual Griffin luck.

The girl, I’m assuming it’s a girl, is talking to herself and won’t stop walking. She did scream a bit before, and I heard her banging against the wall. She kept yelling she needed to be let out, because she couldn’t breathe in her room. 

I think she’s on drugs.

She’s scoffing and keeps mumbling infinite lists of words that make no apparent sense, but I think she’s giving up and finally going to bed.

I must have fallen asleep, because I jerk awake after a high pitched scream echoes through the hallway. I’m confused at first, but then think about how agitated my neighbour sounded last night.

I think it’s her.

I try rubbing off the sleep from my eyes and concentrate more on the sounds I hear. She’s shuffling in her bed, and keeps screaming “NO ! Stop it !”.

Her voice, the screams, the way she’s breathing… Everything about this is heart-wrenching. I don’t even know the girl, but I can’t fathom the kind of pain she must be in. These walls are paper-thin and I can almost hear her heart banging in her chest. I instinctively walk towards the wall we share and wait for her to calm down a bit. I don’t know why I feel like this might help. Maybe she can feel my presence. I don’t know, this place is driving me crazy.

When she doesn’t calm down, I start humming a song I used to love when I was little. My father used to sing it to me when I couldn’t sleep, I don’t know if it would still work now, but I can’t listen to her anymore.

_Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, and the dreams that you dreamed of once in a lullaby. Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly, and the dreams that you dreamed of, dreams really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where trouble melts like lemon drops, high above the chimney top, that's where you'll find me._

It’s too hard. It reminds me too much of my own past, it’s like listening to myself having nightmares, it’s terrifying. It’s weird. I don’t even know what this person looks like, but my heart is breaking for her.

I feel like I’m breathing her pain through the air I’m inhaling.

I don’t really know when it happened, but I must have fallen asleep on the floor next to the wall, because when I wake up I’m still sitting there. My body feels sore, but it doesn’t really matter.

I hope the girl feels better today.

I wonder what brought her here.

Same way as I wonder what brought Octavia and the girl with her here.

Are we dysfunctional ?

Are we broken humans who need fixing ?

Is there an actual way to fix us, or are our brains too damaged to be fixed ?

There are I think about thirty people in here, all under eighteen, all with some kind of destructive behaviour. I’ve been here for only a day, and I’ve already seen some of those behaviours in action. I saw a young boy with marks that look like mine. I saw a girl pulling out her hair in the garden, hidden behind a small bush. I saw a boy who looked about my age smashing his head against the wall so hard I thought he’d broken his skull.

Sometimes I’m scared nothing will ever make me better. Because they say you have to want it, but I can’t believe that.

It can’t be only my fault if I can’t get better.

Because I want to get better.

Sometimes I really want to get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is only about Clarke... Sort of.   
> She will be meeting Lexa in the next one.


	3. Remedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised, Clarke and Lexa meet.

“Griffin, come here.” Octavia’s monotone voice gets my attention during breakfast. She’s sitting at her usual table with the girl from last night and another one I haven’t seen before.

I walk towards their table with my tray in hand and sit down next to Octavia.

“You looked lonely last night at dinner.” Octavia comments. “You can eat with us.”

I nod my head. She sounds chirper than usual, I guess she woke up in a good mood.

“This is Raven.” She says, pointing at the girl from last night. “And that’s Lexa. She’s new, like yourself.”

“Clarke.” I say, smiling at the both of them. Raven nods her head, while Lexa offers me her hand to shake.

“Nice to meet you, Clarke.” The way her tongue rolls on the K makes my heart beat faster for a second. Even if she’s pale and looks extremely tired, she is truly beautiful. Her hair is brown and curly, and she has small braids on the back of her head. Her eyes, deep forest green watery orbits, with marked dark circles and a peculiar redness to them, have a light of their own.

She looks kind of edgy. Her hands are trembling constantly, and she keeps fidgeting. She seems anxious about something.

We eat silently the rest of our breakfast. Well, Raven and I seem to be the only ones eating, because Octavia just keeps staring at the wall and Lexa looks positively disgusted by the food.

“It’s not that bad.” I tell her, shrugging.

“Oh, I know.” She says. “I just don’t feel like eating right now. Which is weird, because I usually eat like a cow.”

Octavia takes a deep breath as who appears to be her doctor walks towards us. “Enjoying breakfast ?”

“As always.” Octavia says, grinning. Raven snorts, almost choking on her apple juice.

“How long have you been here ?” The doctor asks, writing something on her notebook.

“I think twenty minutes.” Octavia says.

“You’ll be happy to know you still have one hour before the cafeteria closes.”

“You know I can stay here all day long if you really want me to.”

“I’ll see you at eleven, Mrs. Blake.”

“Sure thing.”

The doctor walks away, and Octavia goes back to her wall staring competition with herself. I see Lexa trying to eat her food, but anytime she swallows something, her face contorts in what looks like unbearable pain.

“You okay ?” I ask her.

“Yeah, just an upset stomach.”

I wonder why she’s here. I know Octavia said I’m not supposed to ask, but there’s just something about her…

“You’re both in hallway C, by the way.” Octavia says, seemingly waking up from her state of trance.

Lexa looks horrified. “What room ?”

“C3, you ?”

Lexa pursues her lips and breathes hard. “C4.”

Oh.

I see.

Lexa is _The_ girl.

“Right next to mine, then.” I say, trying to avoid making her uncomfortable. She knows I heard her last night and I need to find a way to make her understand her nightmares don't bother me. “That’s good, it gets kind of lonely there sometimes.”

She seems to relax quite a bit and she accepts to walk back to our rooms with me once we’re done with our breakfast. We’re walking silently until I decide to speak up.

“I used to have nightmares months ago… I remember I used to think about happy places before going to bed to avoid getting them. It kind of worked. Oh, and I heard that eating sweet things before bed makes it easier to sleep.”

She takes a deep breath. “So you did hear me, then.”

I nod. “But it’s okay, you don’t have to worry about it.”

She remains silent for a bit. “Did… Did you sing to me ?”

I blush and close my eyes. “Yeah. My father used to do it when I was little and couldn’t sleep.”

“I think it kind of helped.”

I smile widely at her. “I’m glad. I know nightmares can be suffocating, I just wanted to help.”

“Thank you.” She says. “And don’t worry, it doesn’t happen every night.”

She tries to smile at me, but she looks like she’s going to throw up any moment. She excuses herself and runs to her bedroom, I stay there paralyzed for a moment before deciding it’s better if I go back to my room, since I’ll be seeing my doctor later this afternoon, for the first time.

I was right, I can hear Lexa vomiting in the other room. I wait for her to stop, but when thirty minutes pass and she’s still at it, I decide to go check on her.

“Can I come in ?” I call, from just outside her door.

A gurgling sound comes from her bathroom. “I don’t think you want to.”

Me neither, but I walk in anyway. I find her sitting in front of the toilet, she is paler than before and looks exhausted. I walk towards her and grab one of the elastic bands I have on my wrist, tying her hair in a pony-tail.

“Let me get you some water.”

She has her eyes closed when I come back and she’s rocking back and forth. She keeps scratching her arms and I’m afraid she’s going to hurt herself.

I clear my voice. “Can I ask you something ? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

She nods her head, slowly sipping the water I gave her.

“Are you in withdrawal ?”

She looks like she’s going to vomit again, but just spits instead. “Oxycodone.”

“Are you going cold turkey ?”

She nods her head slightly. “They don’t know I’m an addict, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Why are you here then ?”

She coughs lightly. “I used to have a girlfriend in High School. She was beautiful, with dark olive skin, deep caramel eyes and black hair. We were in love, that young, carefree love you can only feel in High School. She died in a car accident that took her away too early.” She takes a deep breath, steadying herself. “I started engaging it what my mother likes to refer as endangering behaviours about two years ago. Which basically means I was living without thinking about consequences, drinking too much, driving without a licence too fast, partying too loudly, getting in fights with stronger people. She thought I was going to get over it, but… I don’t know what happened, one day I just woke up and that life wasn’t for me anymore. I started closing up, I developed anxiety towards almost anything life related, I stopped going to school because it was unbearable. Then I started taking drugs, first marijuana, then I tried harder stuff. Now I’m with oxy, even if of course I can’t take it anymore. I guess I’m here because of my anxiety, I didn’t mean to tell you my life story, I’m sorry.”

“I’m glad you did.” I say. “I’m here.”

“Well, sky girl… What’s your story ?”

 

 

 

 


	4. Rock Bottom

“My story ?” I ask her, confused.

She just smirks at me. “Yeah, why you’re here and stuff.”

“Oh.” I don’t want her to know. Nobody has to know. “Depression.”

She frowns a bit, then nods her head. “I see. Have you seen your doctor already ?”

“No, I’m supposed to see him right before lunch.” I say. “Have you ?”

“Yeah, this morning. Right before breakfast.”

“How was it ?”

She shrugs. “Okay, I guess. He wants me to talk too much about stuff I’d rather not talk about. You know, communication is key if you want to get better.”

I shrug. “Do you want to ?”

She looks confused. “What ?”

“Get better. Do you want to get better ?”

“Sometimes I do. Most of the times I don’t really care.” She explains. “Do you ?”

“One moment I want to, the next I don’t give a fuck.” I sigh. “Most of the time I feel numb about it all.”

“Yeah.” She nods. “I get that. My mother said I needed to come here because I was feeling too many things at once and then… Nothing. It was and still is as if I had lost my soul.”

She gets it. I feel like she completely understands. “Yeah, me too. Will you be okay here ?”

“I hope so.”

“I need to go see my doctor, but I’ll see you later ?”

She nods. “Sure. Have fun.” She smiles genuinely at me.  “Thanks for… Being here.”

“Don’t mention it.”

I wait patiently just outside my doctor’s office. I’m not even worried about it. I’m just scared he might want to talk to me about something I don’t want to hear. When he finally opens the door, I smile politely at him and sit where he gestures me to. He scribbles something on his notebook, and then looks at me.

“So, Mrs Griffin. Why do you think you’re here ?” He asks, and I’m slightly confused.

“As in your office or as in this facility ?”

“As in this facility.”

“You already know why I’m here.” I tell him. “It’s written on my chart.”

He smiles at me. “I want you to tell me why.”

I shrug. “Because my mother thought it was the right thing for me.”

“What do you think ?”

“Right now I think it was bullshit. Maybe if you ask me in ten minutes I’ll say it was the best decision she’s ever taken.”

He writes on his notebook, then raises his chin to face me again. “I’m not going to pressure you into talking about things you don’t want to talk about. We’ll get there with time and patience. Right now I just want to get to know you better. What do you enjoy doing ?”

“I don’t enjoy doing anything, right now. I used to love drawing. And painting. Art, in general. I used to love the sunset. I used to love the smell of the chicken in our oven. I used to love the way rain felt on my skin during summer storms. I used to love the smell of mountain air. I used to love new canvases and paintbrushes. I used to love the smell of old books. I used to love the taste of barbecue ribs. I used to love loud music. I used to love thunderstorms. Now I’m numb about most things. I’ve lost myself, I’ve lost the perception of feelings. I don’t even know how to explain it.”

He just nods his head. “Do you know the reason for this numbness ?”

Do I ?

Do I know why and when life lost its meaning ?

Do I know what made me soulless ?

Do I know why I can’t seem to have feelings anymore ?

“I guess I don’t want to know.”

“We’ll get there.” He says.

As days pass, life here seems to be getting easier. I don’t feel like a stranger anymore.

I get up every morning, take a shower, head to breakfast with Lexa and we eat with Octavia and Raven. After a while, it’s pretty obvious that their not just friends. I’m pretty sure Octavia is even forcing herself to eat every once in a while.

I think I saw her eating a whole cracker the other day. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look more proud than Raven did as Octavia took the last bite. It’s refreshing.

Lexa is getting better as well.

She’s still sick every now and then, she still looks on edge most of the time. The withdrawal symptoms are slowly fading. I think she’s stopped vomiting two days ago, and she looks less tense. She’s eating normally now, which is good. She doesn’t like talking about what she’s going through and I respect it. I told her once that I’m here if she needs to talk, but she still hasn’t followed my advice.

I still spend my nights alone on the floor, looking at my scars. I don’t know how I feel about them.

Some days I hate them. Some days I regret them. Some days I feel like I should embrace them. Some days I feel like there’s not enough of them. Some days I wish I could hurt myself again.

Some days I do.

Not the way I used to do it back at home, I don’t have access to any kind of sharp object, but I still manage.

They can’t take paper away from me.

My doctor told me that they can’t force me to stop. They would have to restrain me 24/7 if they wanted to force me to stop. It’s pointless. He said that their goal is to make me understand that there are better ways to cope and I think he might be right.

That’s why I have tons of activities to do during the day, keeping me busy might help with their goal. He said I need to find something I really enjoy and do that whenever I feel the urge to hurt myself.

He said I should go back to doing art, because it’s something I enjoy and I’m good at.

He can’t even imagine how I wish I could do that.

But it was something I used to do before…

 

 

 


	5. Singing For You

I was sleeping.

Lexa started screaming in her sleep and then fell to the ground with a loud thud. I can hear her sobbing in the room next to mine, and decide to go check up on her. I gently knock on her door, but she doesn’t answer right away.

“Lexa, it’s me.”

I can hear her breathing hard on the floor. “Come in, it’s open.” She whispers.

I do as told and realize I can almost smell her fear. “Are you okay ?” I ask, walking towards her.

She simply shakes her head, hugging her knees.

“Do you want to talk about it ?”

She looks at me for a second, before closing her eyes. Her eyes are killing me. They're red and swollen, watery and unfocused. 

“Do you maybe want me to stay ?” I ask her, unsure. “Maybe I can sing for you again.”

For a second, I see a glimpse of hope in her now wide open eyes. It goes away pretty quickly.

“Yeah.” She says, her voice like a whisper. “I’d like that.”

I gesture for her to go back to her bed and she does as told. I hesitate for a moment before I see her arm reaching for me and pulling me on the bed with her. I find myself hugging her, she’s giving me her back and I can feel her shaking as I hold her close to my chest.

Tonight I decide Cherry Wine by Hozier would be fitting. My voice is like a whisper as I start singing.

_Her eyes and words are so icy, oh but she burns like rum on a fire. Hot and fast and angry as she can be I walk my days on a wire. It looks ugly, but it's clean, oh mama, don't fuss over me. The way she tells me I'm hers and she is mine, open hand or closed fist would be fine. The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine. Calls of guilty thrown at me all while she stains the sheets of some other. Thrown at me so powerfully just like she throws with the arm of her brother. But I want it, it's a crime that she's not around most of the time._

I can’t sleep once I’m done with the song, even if I heard Lexa’s breath evening out as I was singing. She falls asleep before the song’s over, and I feel kind of better. I don’t know what it is about this place amplifying emotions or whatever, but I know I care about her. Hearing her scream in pain breaks my heart.

She looks content when she wakes up in the morning. I feel tired, but I’m happy to see that she feels better, and that she hasn’t had another nightmare.

“Good morning.” She mumbles. “Did you sleep okay ?”

“Yeah.” I lie. “Your bed is more comfortable than mine.”

She smiles at me. “Breakfast ?”

I nod. “I need to go change first.”

A rush of panic hits me the moment I realize that she’s looking at what I’m wearing. When I came here last night I was wearing my sleeping short sleeved shirt and a pair of shorts. Her eyes linger a bit on my arms, and she blinks twice.

She clears her voice. “Yeah, me too. I’ll come get you once I’m ready.”

I’m panicking and I don’t’ know what to say. She’s looking at me, waiting for an answer. I just can’t talk right now. Nobody was supposed to know.

Nobody.

“Clarke.” She whispers, taking my hand to hold. “It’s okay.”

And I’m crying now. She’s quick to wrap her arms around me and I feel safe once my head is on her chest and I can feel her heart beating.

“I’m a freak.” I hear myself saying after a while. She lets me go and I can see anger in her eyes. Or at least, I think I do.

“You’re not a freak.” She says. “We all have different ways of coping with life. We're in this place because our ways are harmful and we need to find something that doesn't involve hurting ourselves in any way.”

“Don’t you think that my way is stupid ? Like, who would want to hurt themselves to feel better ? It doesn’t even make sense when I say it out loud.” I sigh.

She laughs at me and her smile is so tender and loving. “You’re talking to someone who snorted oxycodone to survive.” She’s looking at me with an eyebrow raised.

“Maybe life should be about more than just surviving.” I sigh. “Don’t we deserve better than that ?”

She stares at me for what feels like an eternity. “Maybe we do.”

And in the times it takes me to blink, her lips are on mine, and her hand has moved and is now cupping my cheek.

Her lips feel right on my mouth. As if they belonged together.

As if in this life of pain and destruction, Lexa and I belonged together. As if we were meant to find each other in this place.

As if I spent years of my life struggling just to meet her at the end.

And it suddenly feels worth it.

All those nights of crying and fighting against myself. All those hours spent holding the razor to my skin. All the years I spent hiding cuts and scars from people. All the tears I shed alone when the blood wasn’t enough. All the times my mum screamed at me. All the people talking shit about me.

Everything feels worth it.

She’s shaking and I’m smiling. Her fingers brush against my skin, with a gentleness that was a foreign concept to me just a couple of minutes ago.

I feel lost in a world that is Lexa.

I feel like something is missing the moment she pulls away to look at me. I know she’s scanning my face to see if there’s any uncertainty in my eyes.

There’s none.

I hope she can see that.

“I’m sorry.” She says, lowering her head. “It felt…”

“Right.” I cut her off. “No need to be sorry.”

She’s suddenly smiling at me. The brightest smile I’ve ever seen on her face. It warms my heart to see her like this.

The first day I saw her, she looked older. She looked like the weight of the world was on her shoulders and it was breaking her. It was almost as if she had lived a thousand lives, all stained by pain and injustice. Now, as I’m looking at her, I see a young girl struggling through life.

And I’m promising myself I won’t let her go through anything on her own anymore.

 


	6. Another Chance

“I know life can be hard sometimes.” She says, her hand now back on my hand. “And I know most of the time you’re going to feel like it’s not worth it, and it’s okay. I just want you to know that from now on, you’re not alone. You’ve got me, Octavia and Raven. Even if they pretend like they don’t care, I know they do. We fight together. Whatever shit life throws at us, we’ll fight it together.”

I don’t know why, but this feels like everything I needed to hear. I’ve lived most of my life feeling lonely, like nobody could understand me. I always feared judgment. And I can see it in her eyes, she’s not judging me for how I chose to cope with life.

She understands me.

“Thank you.”

As days pass, people start to realize that there’s something going on between Lexa and I. Even doctor Kane asked me about it. I kept my façade up, as I always do with him, and just shrugged it off. We walk in the halls hand in hand and I’ve even accepted to go to group therapy with her once a week. She started doing art therapy classes with me and I don’t know if she actually enjoys it, but it’s been a month and she’s still at it.

I believe she just wants to be with me and how can I blame her ? I reckon I’d spend every second with her if I could. I feel lighter with her.

But life can't be happy and carefree for too long now, can it ?

One night, right after dinner, I find her sitting in the exercise area.

There’s something off about her.

I don’t really know how I can tell, but she’s not the Lexa I’m used to. She’s too perky, and almost looks excited about something I don’t understand. Her eyes are wide and she keeps fidgeting with her hands. When she notices that I’m looking at her, she smiles widely at me.

“Clarke, hey.” Her voice’s different as well. “Hey, Clarke, hey.”

She gets up and stumbles to her feet and I’m suddenly grabbing her by the arm to support her. She giggles and closes her eyes, a smug smile on her face.

_Oh no._

I take her by the hand and lead her towards my bedroom, but she stops right in front of my door and wiggles her eyebrows at me, giggling loudly.

Nope, definitely not the Lexa I know.

I close my eyes and sigh loudly, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Lexa, are you high ?” I whisper.

She laughs. “Who, me ? No !”

I take a deep breath. “Please, be honest with me.”

“I might be a drama queen, a bit too sensitive, high on oxy and a terrible driver, but I’m most definitely not a stripper.” She says, nodding her head with the final word.

“What ?” I shake my head. “Who gave you the drugs ?”

“Drugs ?” She looks confused. “Who’s got drugs ? Bring them to me.”

I can’t believe this is happening. “Are you for real ? How much did you have ?”

You’ve got to be kidding me. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do when she doesn’t answer and just giggles instead. I guess hiding her until it’s over is the best option. She keeps giggling as I shove her inside my room and even falls to the ground as I’m closing the door behind my back.

“I’m not letting you out.”

“Why not ? You can’t lock the door.”

“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure I could easily overcome you in the state you’re in.”

“What state ?” She giggles again. “We’re in the same state, it’s called Maine.”

I don’t even know what to say as she sits on the floor and plays with her hair until she passes out right there. I somehow manage to pick her up and place her on my bed, hoping a good night of rest will make her better. Of course I can’t sleep and I simply watch her sleeping, hoping she’ll wake up. I haven’t really had much experience with drugs, but I know I keep checking if she’s breathing and if she has a pulse and I’m watching her closely, hoping she won’t vomit.

Maybe I should call her doctor.

Maybe I should tell them everything, maybe they can help her.

Because apparently, I cannot.

It’s almost three in the morning when she wakes up. She looks at me with confusion in her eyes, before realization hits her. She stares at me with her lips pursued for what feels like an eternity before speaking up.

“I’m sorry.”

I sigh. “You don’t need to be sorry.”

“Was it ugly ? I can’t remember a thing.”

“No, it wasn’t ugly. A bit unexpected, maybe.”

“I…” She looks like she’s going to cry. “I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. How did you get the drugs ?”

“Does it really matter ?”

I shrug. “No. I’d like to know why, though.”

“Because it was easy and I missed the feeling of being high.”

I feel my heart clenching in my chest. “I thought you wanted to stop.”

“Me too. I do want to stop, Clarke. It’s just...” She takes a deep breath. “Wouldn’t you cut yourself if you had the chance ?”

“I haven’t hurt myself in a bit. And I’m pretty sure I’d think about it for a while before actually doing it. I know it’s wrong to rely on someone else when you’re trying to stop, but I’m pretty sure the thought of you would stop me from self-harming.” I close my eyes. “I care about you and I know that hurting myself would hurt you as well.”

She looks stunned by my answer. “That’s why I said I was sorry. And yes, you’re right, it would be like hurting me. I don’t want you to think that I was purposely trying to hurt you when I took the drugs. Sometimes it’s just… Too hard. I care about you and I don’t want to be the reason why you’re hurt, but… Addiction is addiction. The drugs where there, I could have them… I know it was a mistake, but it happened and I can’t take it back.”

“I know that.” I tell her. “And I can see why you took them. I said I’d think about it if it happened to me, but I don’t know if I would actually be able to stop myself. I’m not mad, Lexa. I understand what addiction is and what it does to one’s brain. I just want you to know that I care about you, that I’m here if you need to vent and that whether I like it or not, I feel like we’re connected. This means that if you’re sad, I can’t help but feel sad too. If you hurt yourself, you hurt me. But, it means that if you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“I feel the same way. I remember you told me once you think feelings here are… Enhanced. I think I know what you meant. I feel like I’ve known you for my whole life. We belong together, Clarke.” She says. “I… I wanted to ask you something.”

She looks shy.

I can’t believe she is shy about talking to me.

 

 

 


	7. Saturn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS SUPER LATE, I'M REALLY SORRY.

“Go for it.”

She thinks about it for a second. “I want you to be my girlfriend.”

She’s looking at me with those green orbits that have changed so much since she got here. I remember the morning Octavia introduced her to me, how her eyes looked off. How weirdly watery and red they were. How her whole soul was shining through wide, swollen forest green eyes.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the first look we shared.

“Why ?”  I ask her. I don’t know if it’s because I want to actually know why she wants to be with me or if because I’m giving her a second chance to run away from the babbling mess I am.

“What do you mean why ?” She looks genuinely confused by my question.

“I mean… Why do you want to be with the giant mess I am ? Why do you want to be with… Me ?”

“Are you pushing me away because you’re scared or because you’re actually concerned ?” She breaths hard. “Listen, Clarke. I know the setting is not ideal. Same goes with timing. I know we’re a mess. I know we’re fragile. I know we might just end up destroying each other, but… I want this. I know you want it too. I thought about it for so long, scared I might hurt you in unimaginable ways…”

She lets her voice trail off and I’m unable to speak. She doesn’t take her eyes off me as she waits for me to say something, but I’m not sure I know what to tell her.

“Clarke.” Her voice is lower than before. “Life sucks, I know it does. I get it, you’re scared and so am I. Sometimes you just have to dive in. Do you really think that being my girlfriend would change anything ? We already care too much about one another to get back to our lives.”

I know she’s right.

I know there’s now way in hell I’m going back to my old life without taking her with me. I know my mind won’t let me.

I know my heart won’t let me.

It terrifies to think about what being her girlfriend is going to do to us. To her.

To me.

I know it won’t change much since we’re basically already together, but the idea of actually calling her my girlfriend terrifies me. It sounds… Heavier.

“Okay.” I whisper.

I’m pretty sure the smile on her face could brighten up the whole room.

She doesn’t kiss me, but wraps her arms around me so tightly I believe she might break me. It doesn’t hurt, though. It feels… Like heaven. Like I’ve always belonged in her arms.

I don’t know what kind of shit life is going to throw at us next, but I’m sure I want to be next to her.

Days go by and I feel weird at the thought of being out of here, one day. I’m so used to spending most of my time with Lexa, Octavia and Raven that a life without them seems… Boring. I don’t know when I’m getting out of here, I don’t know when they are getting out of here, which makes it difficult to know how long we have together.

I know we’ll still be friends even on the outside but… It’s going to be different.

Lexa is getting better.

I can see it in her smile. I can hear it in her voice. I can taste it in her kisses. I can feel it in her touch.

Every day I see a new spark in her eyes. I can see a new life blossoming in those beautiful eyes that once looked dead.

She makes me feel safe.

She makes me feel like nothing else matters.

She came storming into my life like the cold breeze in front of the ocean. The kind of breeze that makes you want to open up your lungs and breathe it all in. The kind of breeze that almost hurts you as you close your eyes to feel it on your skin. The same shivering breeze that somehow manages to make you feel warm during cold nights.

I love how new everything she makes me feel is.

I love those endless nights we spend talking on the floor.

I love the sloppy kisses in the morning, when we’re too tired to walk to the cafeteria.

I love the stolen looks when we’re in group therapy.

I love how disgusted Octavia and Raven seem to be anytime they see us together.

I love how Lexa reaches for my hand without looking and brushes against my fingers a few times.

I love how beautiful she looks when she just woke up and her hair is wild and messy.

I love how meaningless everything else feels whenever I’m with her.

I love how I can be myself with her without having to fear judgment.

I love how special she makes me feel.

I love the little smile that creeps on her face whenever she looks at me while I paint.

I love the spark in her eyes whenever we kiss.

I love how infinite she makes me feel.

I love everything about her, every little aspect of her soul.

I want this to be eternal. I want us to last forever.

Not in a movie way, I want this to be real. I want Lexa to be with me for the rest of my life. I want her to be by my side as we grow old together.

I promised myself I’d never rely on other people to be happy, but sometimes life doesn’t follow your plan.

I can’t picture a life without her.

I don’t want to picture a life without her.


	8. Dancing On My Own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS SUPER LATE AND I'M SUPER SORRY.  
> Life has been difficult. My world was turned upside down and it's been really hard for me to write. I'm really sorry guys, I'm trying to be better.  
> Hope you enjoy !

“My doctor said I’m good to go home.” She says, her voice like a whisper.

“You are ?” I hug her tightly. “That’s good news !”

She looks uncertain. “I guess.”

I grab her hand to hold, stroking my thumb on the back of it. “What’s wrong ?”

“I don’t know.” She sighs. “I guess… I feel kind of protected in here. I mean, I did manage to get drugs even while I was here, but… I don’t know.”

“I get it.” I tell her, trying to sound as convinced as possible. “I know. This damn facility is kind of a safe place, isn’t it ?”

She’s getting out.

Lexa is getting out and I’m happy about it.

I really am.

Or that’s what I’m telling people.

Of course I’m happy about it.  I just can’t picture my life in here without her by my side.

I feel like everything I’ve ever done here had something to do with her.

“I suppose it is. Even if I’m pretty sure that you’re my safe place.” She smiles at me and I can’t help but kiss her on the spot. The usual people shout at us, but I couldn’t care less.

Whenever the stoic Lexa says something like this, I just feel the need to kiss her.

“You’re my safe place, too.” I tell her, smiling widely. “Did your doctor say when you’re going home ?”

“He said he’s going to call my mother and we’ll see from there. He’s only going to tell her that he thinks I’m good to go home, but it’s up to her to decide.”

“Do you think she’ll listen to him ?”

“Yeah.” She nods. “She hoped that this place would make me better, and I guess it did. We’ll see, though.”

I just hold her, trying not to think about living without her. “You’ll still come to visit, though. Right ?”

She looks positively concerned. “Of course I will, I’m not about to start a life without you.”

Of course she knows what to say even when she doesn’t know what’s wrong. I smile to myself, and Lexa looks confused, but decides to ignore it. I’m grateful she did.

We are sitting in the yard, the sun’s shining and it’s pretty warm. We enjoy spending our free time here, most of the times Lexa brings a book with her and I usually have my sketchpad. We sit here, doing our thing, mostly in silence, sometimes exchanging some words. We just like spending time together, we like being alone together.

What bothers me the most about her getting out is that I got used to this. I was used to being alone before coming here, but this is my world now. When something bothers me I don’t run to the bathroom to hurt myself, I don’t spend my nights crying my heart out. Lexa is always there to comfort me, even when I don’t ask her to.

She knows that I need space sometimes, she respects my need to be by myself every now and then, she doesn’t judge me for what I’ve done in my past.

She has kind of created a world where I can be myself without fear. I can be the Clarke I’ve always wanted to be, and deserved to be, without worrying about other people.

“Will you be okay ?” She asks, after a while. I was so caught up in my thoughts and in my drawing that I didn’t even notice that she was looking at me.

“Of course I will.”

She smiles at me. “I was looking at you while you were drawing. You looked… Kind of preoccupied about something.”

I put my pencil down and grab her hand to hold instead. “Of course I’m preoccupied. I’ve gotten used to having you around every day, I find it hard to picture a life without you here every second to bother me about something, like healthy eating. But I’ll be okay, I promise you.”

“Are you sure ?” She asks, concern in her eyes.

“Yes.” I tell her. “You’ll come to visit and we’ll go back to normal once I’m out as well. It shouldn’t take too long.”

She nods to herself. “You’ve been doing really good. You’ve changed a lot since I first met you.”

“How so ?” I ask her, curious.

“You are most definitely stronger.” She begins. “I can tell that you still feel the urge to hurt yourself sometimes, but now you know how to fight it. When we first met, you looked hopeless. As if nothing mattered anymore, as if you felt like living wasn’t your thing.”

I’m on the verge of tears when she stops talking. “Thank you, I needed that.”

“Of course, love.”

“You changed as well. Might be that you were in withdrawal when we met, continuously shaking and on the edge.” I laugh, and she laughs as well. “But you do look stronger. And more grounded, as if you had found a way to live and to overcome your problems in a healthy way.”

“You really think that ?” She asks, a huge smile on her face.

“Yeah, I do.” I smile back. “I think we somehow made each other stronger. I was scared about us at the beginning. I thought it would end up in tragedy, or that we would become too attached and depend on one another way too much.”

“Do you think we did ?”

“No.” I tell her. “I believe we found an equilibrium. We help each other out, while not depending on our love to survive.”

She kisses me then.

And the moment her lips touch mine, I feel transported into another world. Our own world, where nothing is difficult and it’s easier to breathe. Where problems don’t exist and love makes everything brighter.

I never thought I’d find love in here.

I didn’t even think I’d find friends.

I found both and I can’t express how lucky I feel. I can’t believe I didn’t even want to come here.


	9. Ignite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so late.  
> But life is weird and I also lost my hard drive cable. The new one was delivered today, so I'm back with my stories.

The big day is finally upon is.

Lexa is going back into the real world today and I’m excited about it.

She looks scared, more than anything. I know this place became kind of like a second home, a safe place.

Last night, I sang to her. We slept in her room and I sang to her. 

Somewhere Over the Rainbow, of course.

The song of our first real encounter, even if neither of us was aware. That first night, I never thought I’d end up with her. I didn’t even know who I was singing to. I just knew that nightmares can be quite scary and I really wanted to help. I still remember the fear in her eyes when she realized that I had heard her.

I still remember how her eyes had already won me over, even if I wasn’t aware.

Lexa spent the whole morning with Octavia and Raven, just talking, doing their usual weird stuff, talking about weapons and things that I don’t really understand. We had lunch together and now we’re in her bedroom, she’s packing up her things, ready to go. Her mother will get here before dinner and I’m planning on making her last few hours here unforgettable.

“It won’t be long before you’re out too.” She says.

“I know” I sigh. “It’s just weird to think of being here without you. We got here on the same day and I started… Feeling you on our first night.”

“Yeah.” She sits next to me on her bed. “You’ll get to meet my mother tonight, are you excited?”

“Kind of, yeah.” I smile at her. “Let’s hope she’s not as weird as you are.”

Lexa laughs loudly at my remark. “She’s weird, believe me.”

“I’m used to you, it won’t be too bad!”

“We’ll see, we’ll see.” She says. “I’ll come to see you once I am settled back home.”

“That’s okay.” I whisper. “No need to.”

She looks worried for a second. “But I want to.”

“I know.” I tell her, smiling widely. “Me too.”

We spend some time in silence, the only sound surrounding us is the shuffling of things that Lexa is putting back in her bag. Sometimes she talks to herself, mainly getting mad because she’s sure that everything won’t fit in her bag.

A little bit before dinner, her mother gets to the facility. She looks like a very serious woman, but gives me the idea of having a huge heart.

“Clarke, this is my mother, Indra.” Lexa says as the woman walks to us. “Mum, this is Clarke.”

I shake her hand and smile at her.

“It’s really nice to finally get to meet you, Clarke.” Her voice maybe sounds a bit flat, controlled.

“Nice to meet you too, Lexa talks a lot about you.”

“I bet she does.” Lexa’s mother says, looking at her.

Lexa and her mother talk for a while, as I look at them. It’s kind of weird to know that Lexa was adopted, but still looks a lot like her mother. It’s not about having the same hair, or the same eye colour. They move the same way and have the same facial expressions. They even sound alike, it’s mesmerizing.

When it’s time to leave, Lexa’s mother let’s her get her stuff by herself and we’re once again back in her room. It feels strange to imagine somebody else in here. This place brings so much memories to mind. The first night, the day when I was here while she was vomiting and when she told me her story, the day she found out about my cuts.

And suddenly, I’m crying. Lexa wraps me up in her arms, making me feel warm.

“I love you.” She whispers. “I’ll be back, I promise.”

I nod. “I love you too. Please, be safe.”

Walking out of Lexa’s room, then to the main entrance side by side, hand in hand, feels weird. It’s the last time for the both of us, together.

I don’t know how long I’m going to be here for.

I know that she’ll come to visit.

Still, it’s going to be different.

I can’t wait to get out myself but, at the same time, I don’t want to leave this place. I feel safe here. I feel mentally stable. I feel like if I were to have a breakdown, they’d be people able to help me through it.

I’m not sure.

I don’t feel ready to go back to my normal life. I’m sure that Lexa is going to be fine, but I’m going to miss her.

I’m going to miss our breakfasts together. I’m going to miss our nights together. I’m going to miss our afternoons spent reading together. I’m going to miss being able to hold her and kiss her whenever I feel like it.

But I am mostly scared.

Scared that my brain might have seen her like my rock. Scared I might fall down the wagon and hurt myself again. Scared I might have unconsciously seen her as the only reason to be strong for the past few months. Scared of myself going back to the darkness once she steps out that door.

I wish I was stronger.


	10. I am

When I was sixteen, I was admitted to a clinic for destructive behaviours.

I walked in one day with a lot of anger and unresolved feelings, and walked out six months later with a new mind.

I walked in feeling lonely, wishing I was someone better, and walked out knowing I was enough.

I walked in with the idea that hurting myself was far better than the emotions I was feeling, and walked out knowing how to deal with my mind and my issues.

I walked in with my mother basically carrying me against my will, and walked out holding my girlfriend’s hand and smiling at my mother, silently thanking her.

I thought it was unfair. I felt like I didn’t belong. I thought the clinic was for disturbed people. For psychopaths. Then the clinic became a place where I could be myself, without having to worry about my mind, my issues, because people were there to _help_ me, not judge me.

Today, I walk the world with much more confidence.

I can trust myself to endure even the most difficult situations without fearing I might hurt myself.

I have a support system, one that doesn’t judge me, one I can trust. A support system that works for me and never lets me believe that I am not enough.

The clinic did not save me. I saved myself. The clinic helped me realize my worth, it helped me find new ways to cope with my issues, it was where I met three of the most important people in my life.

 I met my girlfriend there and my two best friends. People usually say that broken people can’t be strong together and that they’ll simply tear one another down. It’s not what happened to us. We got stronger together. We supported one another. We believed that we could be better. And, in the end, we are better. We survived.

I am not telling you that it’s going to be easy because, trust me, it’s going to be hard. Recovery is hard, but it’s worth it.

Lexa and I kept dating and got married shortly after we graduated college. We not live in a beautiful house with a small garden, just outside the city, and live a life I never imagined for myself.

Octavia is doing good. She got discharged from the clinic about three months after I did and is now working with Lexa as a social worker.

Raven my dear, weird, friend ended up marrying Octavia. Lexa and I knew it was going to happen eventually and weren’t even surprised when they told us they were dating. She opened a garage after getting her degree in management and is pretty successful in what she does.

We’re happy.

We’re all happy.

The four of us felt destined to a life of despair, but it turned out to be so much more than that.

We’re survivors.

We’re here.

And now I can’t say that I wish I was better.

I am better.

 


End file.
